Ask Abmox - Affiliate Marketing or The Day the Internet Died

Hi Abmox,

I am venturing into the wonderful world of affiliate marketing. I don't want to become a pain to my friends on Facebook or Twitter followers by only and always and constantly posting links to stuff I want you to buy. I hate it when other people do that.

I do try to target my audience, but right now my audience feels small. Do you have advice for novice affiliate marketers who want to reach the people who are interested in the same things I am so that I can sell them quality merchandise? I know my question is general, but as an affiliate newbie, I may not know exactly what to ask yet. Would love it if you pointed me in the right direction.

 

-- Soft Sell

 

Dear Soft Sell, STOP! Affiliate marketing is the new plague of the Internet. Think of it as the email spam of yesteryear. Before you copy and paste one more link to a crummy useless eBook, hear the mighty Abmox out. Affiliate marketing is to the Internet what BP is to the Gulf of Mexico. I'm serious! Full-time affiliate marketers are notorious peddlers of non-tangible goods, misfit products and get-rich-quick schemes. Those unfamiliar with affiliate marketing should know the basics. Here are the steps to being a successful spammer ... oops, I mean affiliate marketer. Step 1. Find an ugly website owned by a scumbag that sells a useless "eBook," usually about making money or dieting. The websites will contain fake testimonials, out-dated web design tactics and last, but not least, a free sample or discounted price. Websites involving colon cleansers make easy money on the Internet as do pitches like, "How to get your website to the top of search engines.” Don't worry, there are whole websites that allow these "Internet geniuses" to hook up with people wanting to hawk their garbage.  Kind of like an affiliate marketplace. Step 2. Great, you found one! Here's the good news. Most of these internet geniuses, aka "social-media rock stars," will be happy to give you 60 percent of every sale you make. Holy #$%! You are going to be rich. Just get the affiliate link and begin spamming the Internet with your own personal testimonial. No, no, no -- you don't have to actually buy and use the product. The great thing about the Internet is that you get to make this shit up as you go. Faaaaaabulous! Step 3. No one's buying, huh? Yeah that happens. This is where those so called "social-media rock stars" come in. Don't worry these aren't like other regular musical rock stars. These people don't do drugs or even listen to music. Come to think of it, they don't really have any talent at all. However, they do know how to talk a lot of BS. Plus, they've got these groups of other rock stars who all pat each other on the back simultaneously. This makes them look like experts and super popular. Oh, don't fret. They're not experts. Actually, most of them never went to college or ran a successful business. In other words, you just need to kiss up to a few and make some friends. Whammo, now you have 1,000 followers on Twitter and Facebook. Finally. You can now begin preying on the gullible … er, wait, I mean offering products and services to a public that really needs them. Step 4. Attend these "rock star" conferences and watch your coffers overflow. Wow, sounds pretty easy, huh? You'd be surprised how many so-called Internet experts have actually done this and not managed to cry themselves to sleep. Being a slimeball totally pays off. It's a win/win. Well, wait, actually it's not a win for the consumer. That sucker gets stuck with garbage product. But hey, what do you care? You're RICH, RICH, RICH ... Not quite the glamour you’re looking for? I can only hope this turns you off of becoming an infamous Affiliate Marketer. Are all affiliate marketers evil? No, for example Amazon.com, along with other reputable websites, offers an excellent affiliate program that is legit. Just don't go around writing fake reviews and posting them to websites like Xomba. If you need money, I suggest getting a real job or going back to school to learn a trade. A big part of affiliate marketing involves selling junk to the unfortunate few. It's only a matter of time before the FTC and Google crackdown on these scumbags. Trust me, at the end of the day you'll feel better earning an honest buck and providing a service or product that has value. Not Billy Bob's eBook titled "10 Ways to Get Rich on the Internet.”   Prediction: You will seriously consider your potential as an affiliate marketer, then decide it is better to work your affiliate magic right here on Xomba, soliciting only our affiliates, the most reputable in the business. OK, that’s me, Abmox talking here, not the bosses. They’re stand-up guys. Seriously, I need the paycheck.

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